A NARM® Perspective
Within the NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM®), the Connection Survival Style develops when the early need for emotional connection is not reliably met.
Connection is the most fundamental developmental need. As infants, our survival depends entirely on relational bonding. When connection is inconsistent, unavailable, intrusive, or frightening, the nervous system adapts in order to preserve attachment — even at the cost of authenticity.
The adaptation is intelligent.
It ensures survival.
But it can later shape identity in limiting ways.
The Core Theme: “If I Stay Connected, I Will Survive”
At the heart of the Connection Survival Style lies a profound dilemma:
How do I maintain connection if my authentic self is not fully welcomed?
Children in this environment may learn to:
- Suppress their own needs
- Adapt quickly to others’ expectations
- Over-attune to caregivers
- Disconnect from their own impulses
Over time, this can create an adult who feels:
- Deeply afraid of abandonment
- Overly dependent in relationships
- Anxious when alone
- Disconnected from their own desires
Yet beneath these patterns is not weakness — but a nervous system that organized itself around preserving attachment.
Identity and Self-Experience
In NARM, we understand that survival styles become identity structures.
For the Connection Style, identity may form around beliefs such as:
- “I need others in order to be okay.”
- “If I disappoint someone, I will lose love.”
- “My needs are too much.”
There may be a chronic sense of emptiness or lack of self-definition when not in relationship.
Paradoxically, individuals may struggle both with fear of abandonment and with fear of engulfment. Intimacy feels necessary — and unsafe at the same time.
Nervous System Organization
From a regulation perspective, this style often involves:
- High relational sensitivity
- Hyperactivation when connection feels threatened
- Collapse or shutdown when separation is experienced
The body may oscillate between anxiety and helplessness.
Importantly, these states are not character flaws — they are nervous system adaptations to early relational stress.
In the Therapeutic Relationship
Clients organized around the Connection Survival Style may:
- Seek reassurance
- Fear disappointing the therapist
- Struggle with boundaries
- Experience strong relational transference
The work in NARM does not focus on “fixing dependency,” but on strengthening internal organization and supporting the capacity to remain connected to oneself while being in relationship.
Therapeutic work supports:
- Differentiation
- Tolerance of separation
- Access to personal desire
- Development of internal stability
Healing occurs when connection no longer requires self-abandonment.
Beneath the Adaptation
At the core of this style is often a child who learned:
Connection requires adjustment.
Love requires sacrifice.
Yet the deeper truth is this:
Connection and autonomy are not opposites.
When the nervous system feels safe, both can coexist.
Healing is not about becoming independent at all costs.
It is about developing the capacity to stay connected — without losing oneself.
Karima Reisinger
Emotion Institute
Source:
Healing Developmental Trauma
The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma